It's been almost 2 years

I can not believe in 3 short months (ish) Fae will turn 2! It has been such a crazy two years, we've moved from Rexburg Idaho to Schenectady NY, to Durham NC, then back to NY... and all the moments in between were pretty much non stop as well! (It makes me wonder why I haven't lost that last 8 lbs yet... hmm) Anyway, If you keep up with this blog, then you pretty much know all of the big changes/important happenings in our lives. What you may not have known however is how our real life has been for these last two years.

Aside from all the moving and the job changes, the school work, friend making, I had been having a tough time. I don't know why it has taken me this long to confront it, or really even admit it, but it wasn't until about 4 months ago that I really faced and started to deal with it.

When Jarom and I started to think about having a baby, we were both pretty much on the fence about it. One day we wanted to, the next we weren't so sure, it didn't really matter how many prayers I said, the answer was still the same, until three months before I found out I was pregnant. I had dream after dream of a little brown haired, blue eyed rose-y cheeked baby. I dreamed about her constantly knowing that pretty much no matter what she was coming. I had mixed feeling about this, I knew I loved her so much and that I would try to be the best mom I could, and that JArom would be the best most supportive husband in the world, but I was scared. This is all normal- I would tell myself, and I still believe that being scared about becoming a mother is normal- but my feeling was different. I don't remember the exact day or even month it was (although I am pretty sure it was January or February) that we found out our little love was going to join our family. I cried and cried when I found out, and I didn't ever really stop. I described the feeling like "wanting to go sky diving but once up in the plane, freaking out and decided it wasn't what you wanted." It was hard to explain to Jarom, he didn't understand how I could want something, know it was right and then just all the sudden change my mind into not wanting it. I tried to tell him that I didn't know what to do, that obviously I was having a baby and that I would love it and care for it and cherish it for the rest of my life, but that my brain didn't want it, and my head couldn't think straight. I spent the ten months of pregnancy without much sleep, throwing up constantly- I actually lost 10 lbs in the first trimester. I couldn't eat well, sleep well, think well, and could barely exercise but the one thing I could do, was work. My job as a receptionist in a spa in Idaho was a saving grace for me. It helped me to keep my mind on something easy, and something I liked, so I didn't have to think much about the baby that was coming. I stayed at that job until 3 days before Fae was born. I don't want to make it seem like the whole pregnancy was terrible, it wasn't. I still had my friends and family to support me, yet Jarom was the only one who knew how hard it was for me. Aside from answering questions about the baby growing inside me by relatives and friends, and going to my monthly appointments, I didn't think much about it, I didn't like to face what was really happening.

It wasn't until I was about 7 months pregnant that I decided to take an active interest in my labor and the birth of my child. I started researching and reading anything I could about natural birth. I took hypnobirthing classes and everything, trying to get my mind in the right place for this baby to come. I loved my classes, and the books I read. I loved the support I got from my classmates and friends. By the time I was full term, I knew I was ready. I felt more confident, although still sick, and still trying level my head, I was as ready as I'd ever be for the baby.

On October 7th, 2012 10:15 pm Fae Marie Bowman was born. I was happy and excited to be done with the pregnancy, ready to go home, and really ready to be able to sleep on my stomach again.

I remember holding our little one, staring at her beautiful face, and watching her with awe as she yawned, stretched and opened her eyes. She was perfect, 100% perfect, and I loved her. We spent two days or so at the hospital, getting used to everything and trying to learn how to nurse (or I was trying to nurse) This was the most discouraging thing for me. I had spent my pregnancy rejecting the idea of nursing, not even wanting to try it, yet as soon as that little one came, it was all I wanted to do. I called the nurse to help me, but nothing came of it. My milk just never came, I never felt it come or leave. I tried for weeks to nurse, crying because I was getting no sleep due to a colicky baby which I believed was because she was starving. I had nothing to give her, and formula only made it worse. She spit up constantly, cried, screamed and pooped constantly (this is normal, I know) I was getting no sleep, saying things I didn't mean, doing things I wouldn't normally do. I didn't feel like my mind was right. I was scared and feeling "crooked" like nothing in my life was right, the feelings of love were gone and I was clinging to "survival mode".

Jarom will tell me some of the things I would say and do, things I have literally blocked out of my mind, I honestly can not remember them. In fact, I can't really remember much about Fae's first 4 months of life. The difference between what is normal, and what is not in my opinion was my inability to cope with reality. Some nights I would go to sleep and think to myself "maybe I just wont wake up, would it really be so bad?" I couldn't do normal tasks like prepare a dinner or even shower if I was left alone. I survived on cereal or soda. I felt sick all the time, and dealing with a baby was literally the last thing I wanted to do. Of course putting a smile on my face for company was something I did often, I didn't think anyone would understand how I felt, and I was embarrassed. Even when I would go to my doctor I would tell them I was great, just loving life and happy. I lied and lied until I myself believed it. I believed that this was how it was supposed to feel to be a mother, that some people have to deal with things others don't, some things are easy, and some things are hard. But I'm now realizing- I was wrong. What I was feeling was not normal, and not something that every woman deals with. In fact, no one knows this, including Jarom, I was able to talk to a doctor about how I was feeling, after we moved to NY. It was Postpartum depression, and it wasn't going away. Being the person I am, I did not turn to drugs, or vitamins, but a little more exercise and a lot more sleep. I was prescribed a sleeping pill, but as I said... not interested. I took some Advil PM for a while until I was able to train myself to sleep. It wasn't Fae who was keeping me up, in fact she started sleeping through the night at 2 months old. It was my racing mind, and stress, stress that I couldn't pin point to save my life. Either way the sleep was helping, the exercise, the getting out of the house, craft projects, and keeping busy with things it was all helping. But what helped the most was my mind set. Feeling sorry for myself, or letting myself stay down was the worst thing for me. I needed to work on keeping my thoughts happy and my mind on our long term goals.

Now I'm not saying that everyone who has this problem should just disregard what doctors say or prescribe, but I knew what was right for me. It hasn't been an easy 2 years, and I'm sure if we have another baby it will be just as hard. The only thing I can say is that it is worth it. The one thing that was constant was the love Jarom had for me and our baby. He was (is) our rock, he kept us together, and he helped me as much as he could. I can say that as of now I am working at becoming "back to normal" I'm trying to exercise more and eat healthier. I spend my days teaching and playing with Fae. She is my little angel, the one I knew was coming before she ever came. The little blessing in my life who changed me, and will continue to change and shape me into a better person. I love my little family, I love them for the support they have and the kindness they show, and the forgiveness they exhibit towards me. Having a baby is not easy for everyone, and it can do things to your mind and body that you never knew, but there is one thing for sure: it is always worth it.